PARENTING MATTERS
Frenzied family schedule can take its toll; Experts discourage 'hyper-parenting' habits
Tonya M. Pisinski; TELEGRAM & GAZETTE STAFF

   It was a single slice of cheese that caused Heidi Fitch of Oxford to finally
hit the wall.

   The mother of 7-year-old twins David and James, and 9-year-old daughter
Kristine, Mrs. Fitch had up to that point led the life of the typical suburban
soccer mom.

   "I had started working full time. I was assistant leader for Brownies. I was
helping to teach Sunday school. Kristine had piano and choir, and the boys had
Cub Scouts, and there was karate. My husband travels for a living, so I had to
keep up with grocery shopping and the housework, and I was also volunteering in
each of the kid's classes."

   After one particularly harried day, Mrs. Fitch headed to the grocery store,
three kids in tow. Then the cheese incident occurred. One of her sons, who had
had a hectic day at school, began to throw a temper tantrum over a piece of
cheese at the deli.

   "I had been working all day and was exhausted. I just started crying and left
my carriage in the aisle, grabbed the three kids and left."

   Does Mrs. Fitch's schedule sound familiar? If so, you, too, could be
hyper-parenting.

   Dr. Alvin Rosenfeld, author of "The Overscheduled Child: Avoiding the
Hyper-Parenting Trap,'' says that parenting has become a competitive sport. The
more activities that children are involved in, the better.

   The race begins early, with many parents signing their kids up for activities
at the tender age of 3. The thought is that the earlier that a child begins
skating lessons, the better his or her chance to play in a hockey league, make
the All-Star team, and perhaps get a scholarship to an Ivy League school,
according to Dr. Rosenfeld.

   But what price is paid by frantically scurrying from soccer games to creative
drama classes to Irish step dancing lessons?

   "Hyper-parenting has come to be expected as good parenting," said Dr.
Rosenfeld in a recent interview. "Parents believe it is the right way to raise
kids. It gives them a sense of control."

   One of the casualties of over-scheduling is down time. This is a concern of
Maura A. Hogan, a social worker and counselor at Family Services of Central
Massachusetts on Harvard Street in Worcester.

   "What seems to be diminishing is the good old-fashioned down time that
requires kids to think up creative activities or to just be calm," said Ms.
Hogan.

   Creativity comes with down time and leaves children to experiment with their
own imaginations. One example of someone who benefited from down time is
Microsoft founder Bill Gates, who Dr. Rosenfeld described at a "tinkerer" and
who, out of boredom, had time to daydream and formulate some of his ideas.

   The lack of family time is another concern, according to Ms. Hogan. "Much
time is spent traveling to and from activities that then largely reduces time at
home. Instead of sitting around the kitchen table, kids end up eating in
transit, and lose out on some of the finer aspects of communication."

   National Family Night is a grass-roots effort led by Dr. Rosenfeld to promote
families to take the time to slow down the pace and spend more time together.
According to the Web site, www.nationalfamilynight.org, "National Family Night is
dedicated to gathering support for communities and families to act on the
realization that family time and relationships are more crucial to healthy lives
than scheduled activities."

   Dr. Rosenfeld hopes to bring national attention to family time. "We would
like to create an attempt to get a dialogue or discussion on the national level,
" he said.

   After the cheese incident, Mrs. Fitch decided it was time for their own
version of National Family Night.

   "We came up with Sunday as family day. We go to church and after lunch, we
light a fire, watch a movie and have popcorn until supper. It gives us time as a
family," Mrs. Fitch said.

   Although the Fitch children still participate in the same amount of
after-school activities, having one day to spend as a family at home has eased
the craziness and has brought the family closer together, according to Mrs.
Fitch. "The kids need to be home. Jimmy would say 'Mom, I just want to stay
home.' They need that time to play with their toys in their rooms. I think we're
closer as a family."