By Jenny Deam
Denver Post Staff Writer

College hoopsters diagnose March as madness.

Poet TS Eliot declared April the cruelest month.

But as any parent of a school-aged child knows, those wimpy months are mere warm-ups to the mayhem of May.

In the final sprint to the end of the school year, Day-Timers everywhere shudder under the weight of band concerts, proms, plays, dance recitals, field trips, fundraisers, carnivals, class projects, awards ceremonies and graduations that must be attended.

That's not counting the soccer/baseball/lacrosse/volleyball practices, games and all-day championships.

"Sometimes you feel like you can't breathe," says Meg Miller, a Denver mother of middle- and high-school students. "My Palm Pilot is on overdrive."

Miller works at home as an artist. She hasn't been in her studio since April.

The May marathon is a "national illness we must treat," says Dr. Alvin Rosenfeld, child psychiatrist and author of "The Over-Scheduled Child: Avoiding the Hyper-Parenting Trap."

Rosenfeld lives what he writes. The Connecticut father of three children, ages 17, 14 and 11, describes himself as a "hyper-parent in partial recovery." The month of May is as crazed at his house as anyone else's.

"Parents' expectations of themselves have changed," he says, "We have this idea that there is such a thing as a perfect parent. We all want to do right by our children."

Consider a recent Tuesday afternoon for Lynn Emeott, an Aurora working mother with children ages 11, 15 and 16.

Her youngest, Elyssa at Falcon Creek Middle School, had a volleyball game from 3:45 until 5:45 p.m. That meant she had to miss her dance lesson from 5:30 to 6:30 p.m. They made it to the school band concert from 6:30 to 7:30 p.m.

At the same time, about a mile away, her son, Eric, a junior at Grandview High School, had lacrosse practice from 3 to 5:30 p.m. while her other daughter, Emily, had cheerleading practice from 3 to 5 p.m. That gave her just enough time to catch an arranged car pool across town to the gymnastic lesson from 6:45 to 7:30 p.m.

Meanwhile, Emeott left the middle-school band concert to attend a meeting to plan the high school's after-prom party until about 8:30 p.m.

"You have to be very organized," she says.

Understatement of the year, perhaps?

"It has gotten a little easier now that I have a 16-year-old driving." Emeott thinks about that for a minute. "But at the same time, it's a trade-off because you know you have a 16-year-old driving."

December gets all the press for being stressful, but parents say May is worse, both in the volume of activities and because it's rarely addressed as problematic.

"December is decorative, but May means business," says Molly Gold, a Virginia event-planner-turned- stay-at-home mother of three. She recently launched her own line of organizational products geared toward mothers and families.

Holiday events such as present buying, cookie baking or tree trimming can be more easily jettisoned than those associated with school, Gold says.

Fulfilling commitments

It's not as if you can simply say your child will not participate in a mandatory class project, sing in the spring concert or play in the state championship game.

Parents must juggle rigid, professional schedules with the burgeoning list of events at their children's schools - many scheduled in the middle of the workday.

This week Sara Fidanza, a nurse practitioner at The Children's Hospital in Denver, will take a day to attend school activities for her two sons. Twice this month she also has brought her children to work after her schedule of drop-off and pick-up went awry.

On Tuesday, son Matthew graduates, marking his passage to kindergarten. In the afternoon, her third-grade son, Mark, has field day. Matthew also has field day, same time, different school. Parental participation is strongly encouraged.

"Do you know how horrible it is for the child whose parent doesn't come?" she asks. "We've all seen that child crying in the corner. You know you're never going to do that to your child. So you go."

"Guilt and anxiety," sighs Rosenfeld, "they drive this phenomenon. I find that some of the best parents I know also feel the most guilty, like they are not doing enough for their children. There's an assumption your time is theirs."

"Most people," he adds, "put in as much as they can possibly tolerate and then do a little more."

By the third week in May, Fidanza will have participated in two school flower-sale fundraisers, two school auctions, two Fun Runs, a school Gallery Walk, two field days, one graduation, two Saturday soccer games, three afternoon practices. And that doesn't count three birthday parties in three weeks.

She's heard about the dangers of overscheduling children and how parents are to blame. She isn't buying it. Not entirely, anyway.

Only one of her sons is signed up for an after-school activity and the family still feels swamped.

"I'm not doing this to myself," she argues. "I feel overcommitted from the expectations from everyone coming at me from the outside."

Vicious cycle

It is hard to affix blame, if, indeed, any is warranted. But it is certainly a vicious cycle.

Parents push schools to do more for their kids. Schools, in turn, increase the array of opportunities. Parents encourage their children to participate. Schools ask for parental involvement to keep up with demand. Parents feel overburdened.

Jim Bailey, principal of Gateway High School in Aurora, does not believe May is any worse now than it was 18 years ago when he began his career as an educator.

"Some things are just out of our control," he says. Including the weather. Which helps explain why so many outdoor events are crammed into the warmer, final weeks of school.

Bailey does, however, see changes in the way society views its children. Starting as early as preschool age, children have become used to having their time structured by adults. By grade school many are required by schools to carry appointment calendars.

"I don't think I have a judgemental statement whether it is good or bad," he says, "It's just different."

The father of two sons in high school, he adds: "I'm a victim of this just as much as anyone else. I've got something every single night this week."

Emeott, the Aurora mother of three, isn't complaining either. In fact, she embraces her hectic schedule.

"This is just how it is now. They're happy and they're doing what they love," she says. "It's busy every night. It's more normal to be gone than to be home. But it all seems to work out."

And just think, only 14 days until June.

Some families may revel in the excitement and nonstop action of the busy month of May.

For those who might want a little less exhilaration in their lives, Dr. Alvin Rosenfeld, author of "The Over-Scheduled Child: Avoiding the Hyper-Parenting Trap," offers a few tips to slow down:

Cut back 5 percent. When people talk about simplifying their lives, they think it means cutting out everything. You don't need to, and you probably don't want to. After all, activities are supposed to be fun.

But what if you said no to one or two events a month? One missed soccer game and one skipped birthday party or parental attendance at a school function? See how it goes. Does the world end? Probably not.

Use your new free time wisely. Do something without structure or goal. Shoot baskets with your kids. Play a board game. Take a walk together. Re-learn the fine art of lollygagging. It might feel strange at first, but you'll get used to it.

Remember that marriage matters. Too often parents think "divide and conquer" when faced with a daunting calender. One parent goes one way with one child, the other goes with another child. Spouses and partners feel isolated from each other, communicating only with reminders of who needs to be where and when. Set aside a night to have a leisurely dinner together, either with kids at the table or nearby. Children seeing parents enjoying each other's company is more valuable than any planned activity.

Don't hold your tongue. If you feel your school or coach is scheduling too much or at inconvenient times, speak up. It is preferable to do it as a group so you aren't dismissed as a whiner. Parents hold more power than they know. Most have simply given that power away to everyone else.

Childhood is preparation, not performance. Resist the temptation to push your child to excel early, no matter what a coach, the news media or other parents tell you.

If it seems your child does not enjoy something or has stopped enjoying what they once loved, listen to them. Ease back and see if they recharge. If not, quit. Remember who this was supposed to benefit in the first place.